A journey cut-short

    I love children. Perhaps its because they are in a point of their life where there’s nothing much to worry. They are carefree, innocent. All that I crave for, is embodied in them. Once, I had promised myself that I would never lose my innocence. But life is not so kind.

  Whenever I see children, especially those tiny tots below 4 years of age, I can’t help but myself be pulled towards them, something like gravity of sorts. I love their laugh, I love their smile, I love how easily they trust people. Even someone like me who is very reserved can be irresistibly drawn towards them. May be because they are non-judgemental and unaffected by the outside world...yet. 

So, when I heard about this NGO, Teach for India is visiting our college, looking for potential fellows, I thought ‘why not attend the presentation?’  I already had somewhat vague idea about what I’m going to do after my graduation, but teaching?!  Nope, never. I could see their vision and understand their objectives and aspirations. So, I thought, even if I’m not going to apply for the fellowship the least I could do is to attend their presentation. So, I went.

But after their presentation, I started seeing the picture more clearly. The inequity in India’s education sector seemed more relevant now.  There are many under-privileged schools which do not have qualified English teachers. Students have great potential, but they need teachers, mentors to equip them to face the real world. It’s hard to accept for a country with ‘n’ no. of languages, but it is true that English is inevitable in today’s globalized world. And I have been given a chance. I am not sure whether I can pass through their careful selection process (apparently only 8% of total applicants get selected as fellows, so you can imagine the rest!) which includes many yardsticks like Group Discussions, Interviews to gauge the applier’s ability, yet I could do my bit by attempting.

It’s been three months and I still haven’t made up my mind, the forth deadline being Jan 22^nd. I’m quite sure that if I apply I’ll get selected. But the problem is its duration. 2 years is a lot of time for me. I can leave my home and can stay in the places which may not be as “comfortable” as my current living situations. That’s not a problem.  I was born in a typical Indian middle class family. And I have seen my family growing and reaching to the point where we are today, one of the few fortunate upper-middle class families. So, I have no qualms about such challenges. But, 2 years is too much for me. They insist that 2 years is necessary for a fellow to bring about the changes they wish for in the school. I understand their concerns. But am I ready for this?

I’m 20 and like every 20-year old I have my own dreams. I want to stand on my own financially, I want to learn as much as possible, I want to go abroad to UK or US to study, I want to travel the world. I want to see things, I want to experience them. I want to be a journalist, I want to write. Don’t you think in this elaborate plan of mine, can I afford missing two years in an unknown city teaching 3^rd graders?  Once I enter the education sector do you think that I can vouch for myself to keep my journalistic dream alive?

I’m torn. I want to work for the betterment of my country, but I can’t.  Of late, our economic condition isn’t favourable. I have a feeling that I may have to take up some work soon. Very soon..Though my folks deny it and say that we are in quite comfortable situation, I cannot deny the reality.

Am I a bad person? More than anyone, I have experienced the trauma of lacking the proficiency in the English language. Yet, I’m letting the children, citizens of tomorrow down. Who am I? When did I become so self-centred? The Avanija Saket I knew would always think about others first. She was always there for others.  I think I lost her in the way to adulthood.  Life in general, some incidents in particular, have taken a toll on her over-all well being. She hardly trusts people. Now, here is somebody who is in her body. A walking dead body, without any values, scarred by the harshness of life.

Yet, I know she is somewhere there, deep inside. Waiting to be awakened. This is her call. I know, I’ll do my bit to the society in my way. This is not the first one and it won’t be the last. On my journey towards my destiny to achieve my full potential, I’ll be presented with many more such opportunities which I hope to embrace with a full heart, without guilt.